Food. One of the last surviving vestiges of American excess. We have so much food in this country that we’re running out of ways to prepare it. Well… almost. The website ‘This Is Why You’re Fat (Where Dreams Become Heart Attacks)’ proves that there is always one more thing you probably haven’t tried. From deep fried Manicotti dogs to cupcake kebabs, this site takes a look at some of the sick shit you people are doing in your kitchens (albeit delicious shit).

Letting you in on this sickening display of gluttony in no way implies that we think you’re fat, but if you are fat, or simply have some…f-ing own it already. We’re so sick of you being incapacitated by that word. In this economy, thank God we still have more than enough food. Big is beautiful, so stop being ashamed that you’re not starving. There is no ‘Food Network’ on TV in Somalia for a reason.

Do call us if you plan to make ‘Chicken Nugget Pie’ because trust us, we’d like to know. You make that ‘Powdered Pancake Doughnut Surprise’- you make it an eat it. Eat the whole thing. Yes- moderation is still the key to health, and no- you can’t party like that every day (even our crème filled asses know that). But rather than wasting time feeling guilty for your body and your blessings, grab a bag of chips and look at these- guilt free.

Last 3 posts by Carita Ellis-Espola

• Les Toil - December 31st, 2009
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