Scary Xmas, NERDS!
We know Christmas is supposed to be about giving and being cheery, but the holidaze can also make you feel murderous. So instead of going out and taking down half of a shopping mall with an Uzi ‘cuz some assclown stole your parking space, we suggest the following: Get some eggnog, or your favorite booze, exercise your Netflix queue or Amazon.com account (so you don’t have to go anywhere) and grab some of these scary holiday treats. By the way, you can make any of these movies a drinking game by drinking every time…
· There is a false scare.
· A victim runs up the stairs rather than out of the house.
· You can see the killer but the victim can not.
· A victim trips while being chased.
· A character says they’ll be right back.
· Somebody has sex, or it’s implied they had sex.
· Whenever a character does drugs.
· Whenever a character has an alcoholic beverage (YOU better watch out).
· Whenever a character thinks the killer is dead, knows better, but investigates the body anyway.
· Every time someone dies.
· Whenever bodies start falling out of places. Drink for each dead body.
· When a character stands there and gawks at the killer instead of running away.
And the list goes on and on. Make up your own!
1. Wind Chill (2007) R
While driving home for Christmas break, two college students find their vehicle broken down on a deserted road where the souls of all who have perished there return to haunt them. Starring Ashton Holmes, Emily Blunt and Martin Donovan.
jM: Basically, keep your dumb asses at home on Xmas Eve. Will you never learn?
2. Santa’s Slay (2005) R
Jolly ole Saint Nick (Bill Goldberg) isn’t making a gift list this year — he’s making a hit list. He’s checking it twice and unleashing his inner demon for an unforgettably terrifying Christmas. A bet that Santa lost to an angel 1,000 years ago has expired, and now he’s hell-bent on spreading some holiday fear. As the big day approaches, only young Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith) and his grandfather (Robert Culp) can stop him.
jM: Finally a Xmas slasher where the killer actually IS Santa, and not some douchesicle who saw mommy kissing Santa Claus on his mistletoe!
3. Black Christmas (1975) NR
A few days before Christmas break, terror reigns inside a sorority house, as a series of menacing phone calls — and the discovery of a dead girl’s body — transforms yuletide cheer into fear. Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey and Andrea Martin (“SCTV”) co-star as just a few of the petrified sisters who find themselves at the mercy of an unseen stalker, in this 1970s horror gem from director Robert Clark. For whiners who can’t stomach creepy Christmas gold like this, he told a much happier holiday tale with his 1983 classic, A Christmas Story.
…and the remake…
Black Christmas (2006) R
Its Christmas break, but the phone won’t stop ringing at the sorority house. The ghost of a killer lurks and coeds are being systematically murdered- one by one. In this remake of the 1974 slasher flick, a bloodthirsty psychopath is on the loose. Will sorority sisters Kelli (Katie Cassidy), Dana (Lacey Chabert), Lauren (Crystal Lowe) and the others escape with their lives? Jessica Harmon, Michelle Trachtenberg and Andrea Martin co-star.
jM: Either one of these is full of bloody holiday mayhem. With the remake however, you get a solid back story of the killer. (It all has something to do with yellow skin, but I will say no more!) Also in the remake, look for a cameo by Andrea Martin, one of the stars from the original version.
4. Dead End (2003) R
After 20 years of dreading the same long drive to his mother-in-law’s house for Christmas, this year, Frank (Ray Wise) takes a shortcut to save time. When he crosses paths with a strange woman who drifts through the forest on a killing spree, he’ll wish he hadn’t. While a driverless car follows and transports the bodies, those who survive fall prey to insanity. Will Frank ever escape his hell on earth detour?
jM: Moral of the story? F the in-laws.
5. P2 (2007) R
It’s the night before Christmas and workaholic Angela Bridges (Rachel Nichols) is late for her family holiday party. When she tries to leave the office, her car won’t start and her cell phone won’t work. Soon, she meets the all too-friendly security guard Thomas (Wes Bentley). After Angela turns down his dinner invitation, twisted Thomas acts out with terror. Angela must spend her night trying to escape the now-infamous parking level P2.
jM: Finally a lead female character who realizes she’s in a desperate situation and acts desperately to stay alive.
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) NR
Years after witnessing his parents perish at the hands of a burglar disguised as Santa Claus; Billy Chapman dons a Kris Kringle suit and sets out on his own holiday killing spree…finally returning to the abusive orphanage that raised him. ‘Tis the season for yuletide mayhem! Charles E. Sellier Jr. directs this horror cult favorite, co-starring Robert Brian Wilson and Lilyan Chauvin.
jM: An all time classic. This movie caused such a sensation when it was released, that it was boycotted and pulled from theaters! Yay!
7. Jack Frost (1996) R
When his prison transport collides with a truck full of “genetic material,” condemned serial killer Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald) is inexplicably transformed into a terrifying, murderous snowman. With a red plaid scarf, a carrot nose, and a heart made of coal, the icy madman sets his sights on a small rural town. The result is an old-fashioned killing spree. Shannon Elizabeth co-stars in this chilling horror flick directed by Michael Cooney.
jM: A possessed snowman killing people! C’mon? C’mon!
8. Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984) NR
Its Christmas time in London, and Santa Claus impersonators of all shapes and sizes are on the run. There is an unknown killer on a deadly rampage. The killer targets St. Nick in department stores, on street corners and at parties. Scotland Yard’s Inspector Harris (Edmund Purdom) has the unsavory task of tracking down a vicious maniac who relishes impaling, disfiguring and castrating his jolly victims.
jM: Well it’s not a killer Santa, but they are killing Santa’s! Somehow the British make this classier than it really is.
9. Gremlins (1984) PG
When a man brings home an adorable creature from Chinatown as a Christmas present for his son Billy, the shopkeeper’s sage advice was — no midnight snacks, no water, no light – period. The unheeded advice results in devilish green creatures with a million vices who take over a small town on Christmas Eve. This 1980s hit was written by Chris Columbus and executive produced by Steven Spielberg. *Not recommended for your littlest monsters.
jM: You can’t do Christmas without Gremlins! However, I was so terrified for many Christmas’s afterward and would wake up worried that my Gizmo doll would be standing over me with a knife. Also, Polly Holliday (Flo from ‘Alice’) is wonderfully cantankerous as Mrs. Deagle. Classic!
10. To All A Good Night (1980) R
It’s Christmas break at the Calvin Finishing School for Girls, and the students are planning a big party while the president of the school is away. When the boys show up, the fun begins, until a mysterious killer starts bumping off couples one by one. The police arrive and promise to keep everyone safe, but prove ineffectual against the crazed psycho. Could the killings be connected to the victim of an initiation stunt from years ago?
jM: This might be hard to find on DVD or VHS anymore, but it is well worth the trouble and the watch. Drink something before hand, preferably hard liquor. It stars Jennifer Runyon, which may ring a bell if you were a ‘Charles in Charge’ fan (nerd). She was also in ‘The In Crowd’ which was MY favorite 1988 cheese fest. Yeah, I just dated myself, suck it nerds.
11. The Poseidon Adventure (1972) PG
As the luxury liner Poseidon charts its course on New Year’s Eve, disaster strikes when an undersea earthquake causes a titanic tidal wave and capsizes the vessel. Leaving just 10 survivors who are led by the no-nonsense reverend (Gene Hackman), the group must maneuver through airshafts, electrical cables and a burning engine room to the boat’s hull– their lone chance for escape. The film scored an Oscar for Best Song (“The Morning After”).
…and the remake…
The Poseidon Adventure (2005) PG-13
After a terrorist’s bomb capsizes a luxury liner, a group of disparate survivors — including a philandering husband (Steve Guttenberg), a European pop star, a Homeland Security agent (Adam Baldwin) and a grieving widow; they must make their way through the capsized ship to safety. The ragtag band faces countless terrors as they struggle to navigate the submerged maze in this suspenseful remake of a disaster classic.
…and the other remake…
Battling the elements once again, Wolfgang Petersen (The Perfect Storm) re-creates Ronald Neame’s 1972 action classic with help from an ensemble cast that includes Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss, Josh Lucas, Emmy Rossum and Stacy Ferguson (aka “Fergie” of the Black Eyed Peas). A tidal wave spells disaster for a boatload of New Year’s Eve revelers when it capsizes the mammoth vessel, pitching the passengers into a desperate battle for survival.
jM: I know, it’s not really a horror movie, but none the less, the premise is pretty horrific and it does take place on New Year’s Eve. Watch the original of course as it is the best– especially the Christmas tree scene. If you’re going to go for a remake, we would suggest Poseidon (2006). It was done by Wolfgang Petersen who gave us ‘The Perfect Storm’. That man can do a tidal wave like no other. Also Fergie is in it, and if I remember correctly, she gets smashed by a piano or into a piano or drug out to sea by a piano…whichever, it’s fun!
12. Santa Claws (1996) R
Under normal conditions, a man in a jolly red suit can be delightful. But when the outfit belongs to a demented psycho (Grant Kramer) who’s convinced he’s Santa Claus, it’s absolutely frightful. Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon), a sexy B-movie scream queen whose marriage is crumbling, is already dreading the Christmas season. When her creepy next-door neighbor starts dishing out his own brand of holiday cheer, things only go south from there.
jM: It’s bad, and not in a good way. If you’re already half off your kilter after watching ‘To All a Good Night’- jump right in. If not, there are close-ups of boobs & g-strings. Hope that helps.
13. Two Front Teeth (2006) UR
It’s the night before Christmas, and Gabe Snow, a tabloid writer haunted by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, is investigating a Yuletide conspiracy. Gabe knows the terrible truth behind the crash of the ill-fated Flight 1225. He alone knows that the plane was brought down one foggy Christmas Eve by a flying creature with a “glowing nose”. The blood-sucking vampire, Santa Claus, knows that Gabe knows, and has put him on his hit list. The demonic fury of the North Pole has been unleashed, and an army of zombie elves who have no interest in toys, pointy hats or dentistry, are about to turn Gabe’s white Christmas blood red. *You can buy it HERE.
jM: There are ninja nuns, a vampire Santa and a scary snarled tooth zombie elf that jumps out of a refrigerator. Um…Merry Christmas.
14. Ghost Story (1981) R
In this modern ghost story, four New England octogenarians — the self-styled “Chowder Society” (Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and John Houseman) — have harbored a terrible secret for half a century. But the lid on their Pandora’s Box of subterfuge is about to blow. The ghost of a young woman (Alice Krige) haunts the men, each of whom played a part in her horrific death.
jM: Boasting a stellar cast of stars of yesteryear, this suspenseful tale still holds the attention and creeps in under your skin.
15. While She Was Out (2008) R
What starts out as a Christmas Eve trip to the mall ends up as an exercise in terror for suburban mom Della Myers (Kim Basinger). She finds herself stranded in a forest and pursued by a quartet of thugs — all because she left an angry note on their car. The baddies (including Lukas Haas) chase her from the mall, and when she crashes her car in a wooded area, she has nothing to fend off her attackers but her wits and her toolbox.
jM: Again not really a horror movie, but still suspenseful. It starts out a little slow, but give it a chance. Once Della gets into the woods, you have to start thinking who’s hunting who at some point. Ms. Basinger gives us a good turn as a broken down housewife who has just had ENOUGH.
If any of these appeal to your liking you can purchase them at Amazon.com or sign up for Netflix. Scary Christmas!
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