If it suits you better for us to review a new movie that has come out…NO. We’re not. We feel the need to back track to 2007 because we can’t have you wasting time on Julia Robert’s big budget come back show when there has been original, cinematic, juicy fruit, falling fresh from the movie vine for quite some time now.

Dear friends, if you haven’t already, we insist you see the independent film masterpiece by Mitchell Lichtenstein: Teeth.

Though things at home haven’t been so great, Dawn (Jess Weixler) has been doing well. She has become the wholesome face for one of those abstinence groups we hear so much about- purity rings and all. She and her friends wear the rings to signify their belief in purity, i.e. a life without sex before marriage, and they congregate in groups with other teens who share those values.

As we all know, abstaining is the surest way to keep something on ones mind 99% of any day, and soon poor Dawn finds herself falling in love, of course with the purest of intentions. The boy woos her, believes in her, even wears one of those no “sex rings” himself and then… BANG! They share a sweet interlude that goes too far, and the boy forays into a full on date rape. The stupid fool picked the wrong girl. Dead wrong. Dawn, our she-ro, finds out in that exact moment, that she suffers (or is blessed depending on your point of view, we say blessed) with a mythological condition called vagina dentata. Basically, Dawn has vagina teeth. Yes, in her vagina. Those who do not come in peace…well…they don’t come. Worse than that, in moments of sexual stress, she brandishes her vagina fangs, and off comes a bad boy’s naughty appendage. Genius!

‘Teeth’ has won all the legitimate awards, and we do not mean the bullsht suck-a-thon that the academy hosts either. We’re talking about international film festivals; real events where independent movies are reviewed/ critiqued by film makers, and lovers of film, regardless of the films origin. Festivals like Sundance, which we still respect.

The movie is a fairytale to be regaled among the best of them. We insist it be revered among beautifully done films like Freeway (Reese Witherspoon 1996), which was a dark, updated version of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. Teeth however, was an original story created by Lichtenstein. It used new and old twisted social mores to tell the tale. We saw it as a story of fate, strength, redemption, and most importantly, a story of evolution. As fairytales do, this movie overflows with warnings and morals, but because the makers clearly relish the art of filmmaking, it was done in the cleverest of ways.

Like Freeway, ‘Teeth’ was a twist with a warning for boys; a message about the dangers of taking girls and their bodies for granted. It’s nested firmly inside the downfalls of other ass backward messages regarding sex. Better than that, the movie borders on horror. Based on how masterfully the story unfolds, one might dispute the idea of it being a horror film. If they do, I doubt the person doing the disputing would be male. The only thing better than watching this movie, is watching it with a guy. We can’t tell you what’s more frightening; the pictures on the screen, or the looks on his face. Both are priceless.

Last 3 posts by Carita Ellis-Espola

• In Honor of Kevin Smith..Southwest Gets The Finger! - April 28th, 2010
• Edgeplay: A Film About the Runaways - April 28th, 2010
• Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry Bombs - April 28th, 2010