Slash, Trash & Gore: A Love Story

25 July 2009 Christie Ortiz

fall-of-the-house-of-usher1 My fascination with horror films started off with one of the classics. It was ‘The Fall of the House of Usher’. Vincent Price terrified me at the age of 8. Hearing his voice grace the late MJ’s ‘Thriller’, gave me instant flash backs to the night at my cousin’s house when I tried to hide between the couch cushions during the movie. Mr. Price wanted, tried and succeeded to scare me. He sent shivers down my spine. Call it adrenaline, but I knew right then that I was in love with horror movies. My poor mom. She was defenseless against my addiction. I refused to sleep in my own bed for days after the fateful night I saw ‘House of Usher’. She threatened to never let me watch another horror movie. Had she embraced horror like I did, she would have known the number one rule: don’t fall asleep. Since she didn’t know the rules, it was with great relish that I first laid eyes on the guaranteed sequel ending of the original Friday the 13th. As she lay on the couch making frightening snore noises, she only contributed to the terrifying atmosphere as I watched. Sweet HBO, having recently switched over to 24/7 broadcasting allowed me access to the forbidden; and I was just getting started.

As scared as I was at age 10, my heart still burst with an overflowing love of all things bloody and horrible. It was around that time when I vowed to never sleep in an actual bed again. Damn ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’. I watched as innocent little Johnny Depp got sucked into his bed, and a geyser of blood spewed onto his ceiling. You might say it made an impression on me. That scene shaped my views on mattresses for quite some time. Before that scene, beds were for sleeping and jumping. Afterward, they were nothing more than cushy islands of vulnerability for suckers. Not on my watch.

creepshow_ver1 Even something as seemingly simple as reaching a hand into a dark space, was intensified by “The Crate”- one of three short stories from the movie ‘Creepshow’ (Adrienne Barbeau I still love you. Call me.). The “Thing” lived in the crate, and it had rows of ridiculously sharp teeth that eventually devoured her. I was in such a state, that when mom said it was bedtime, I put on my own performance. It was a twenty minute tantrum about the likelihood of there being a crate under my bed. Of course she tried to soothe my fears, but how could I trust someone who still slept in a bed? Someone that blind was a walking target, and was in no way qualified to give survival advice. Though mom eventually let me fall asleep in the living room (on her lap), she was pissed at my horror induced psychosis, and once again tried telling me that I would NEVER watch “another one”. That wonderful lady was so wrong.

Through my teen years, the obsession quickly intensified. I devoured magazines like ‘Fangoria’ and ‘Rue Morgue’. I wore grooves in the carpet at my local Blockbuster, dragging my feet up and down the horror aisle. I was on a perpetual hunt for horrific treats that would send my senses into overload. On one of those glorious aisle stalking occasions I found ‘The Beast Within’. It came with a warning; a red flash would appear before the carnage and mayhem was unleashed, allowing the viewer a chance to look away or leave the room. It became a treasured favorite.

‘The Evil Dead’ and ‘Evil Dead 2’ actually made me giddy. Sam Raimi created beautiful depictions of cellar demons and possessed evil hands. I found the raw brutality of ‘The Last House on the Left’ insanely disturbing, but was never so satisfied as when the prey cowboyed up and became the hunters. When I saw the remake, that same old feeling washed over me. Sure it was a re-do (or a reboot, whatever we’re calling it now), but if loyalists are in a rare mood to be honest, the acting in the original was atrocious, and the performances in the updated version finally did the story some justice. They really did a beautiful job. The scene where the family opts to go after their transgressors, made me bounce and clap gleefully in my seat.

Now, for me, there is nothing greater than going to see a horror movie in a theater. The more people in the room, the more palpable the energy. If the director is doing their job, everyone screams and jumps like clockwork, which is always followed by nervous chatter and laughter. Subconsciously, people do it to calm their nerves before the next potential scare. It’s the equivalent of the intensity some people get from porn- all those raw emotions flying around. It’s exhilarating and rejuvenating. It’s freeing; like being on a rollercoaster, only never leaving the ground. There’s less chance of hurling, but way more blood. It’s the art of standing face to face with your biggest fears.

The only thing that could be better than seeing a horror movie in a theater is seeing it at a drive-in. If by chance you still happen to have one within 200 miles of you, I implore you not to take it for granted. Our culture of comfort and the perfect home theater, complete with big screen, is sending the beloved drive-ins to their graves. Any day now, they could all be as extinct as Jessica Simpson’s acting career. I’ve spent many summer and fall nights entranced by the flickering images on the big outdoor screen; pictures flitting gently like fireflies across my face. At times I shrank in terror, looking sideways at the screen. If you happen to be a devoted spouse who is unwillingly lured into watching movies you’d rather not by a fellow horror lover, keep in mind that peripheral blood can be a lot less gruesome than a face full of gore- sometimes.

drag-me-to-hell-poster Now in my 30’s, the love affair with horror movies is still going strong. I was in the bathroom doing my makeup when I first saw the trailer for Sam Raimi’s ‘Drag Me to Hell’. Unfortunately, my lovely wife was nearly the victim of an offensive tackle, since she was all that stood between me and the TV. Fortunately for her, she’s quite nimble. I stood there, make-up sponge in hand, grinning from ear to ear, my heart beating from my chest. Grindhouse poster I had a similar feeling when I first saw the trailer for ‘Grindhouse’, by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. I say similar because I nearly made out with my computer screen during that trailer. They completed the checklist for everything I have ever wanted to see in a movie. Hot girls? Check. Zombies? Check. The mother of all car chases? Yep. Scratchy old film? Yes. Heroine with machine gun leg? Of course. Fergie being devoured by said zombies? Oh yeah. A doctor with a needle gun? You know it. More blood and pus than ever thought humanly possible? Certainly. Kurt Russell getting his ass whooped by three hot chicks? You bet your sweet ass! It was and always will be in my top 5 favorites of all time. What they need to do now is release both movies (Planet Terror & Death Proof), including the fake trailers that were created and shown in the theater to separate the films. If you haven’t seen ‘Turkey Day’ or ‘Don’t’- find them now- pure genius. During the afternoon we saw ‘Grindhouse’ at a Boston theater, a few people used those trailers as an opportunity to make a hundred yard dash to the toilets. People were literally sprinting so as not to miss the start of the second movie. Our staff sat full of pee for over three straight hours.

friday13th I just recently completed my collection of Friday the 13th movies- including the remake. I will officially state, much to the chagrin of die hard fans, that it was not a total abomination. The makers stuck close to the original, but also combined parts of the sequel as well. Despite your feelings on the reboot, you’d have to admit that was clever. The new Jason was Derek Mears, although my own die hard loyalties will always be with Kane Hodder who scared the bejesus out of me playing the legendary Jason Voorhees in parts 7-10. The new Jason was no less frightening, and amazingly more calculated than Jason had ever been. He moved faster, and actually ran after a few people for a change. This time he was also smart enough to hurl an axe in a victims back and leave him alive and screaming, just long enough to use him as bait to try and catch a few of his friends. It was as if Jason had earned his PhD in killing. Nice. Oh, and don’t get me started on the bear trap/sleeping bag scene. It was brutal and well worth the price of the extended killer cut version.

After a long stint away from my beloved past time, I refocused my efforts and nearly o.d.’d on the entire string of Friday the 13th’s, up to and including Freddy vs. Jason (that’s right, you know how I do). Once again, I found a brand new voraciousness for all things horror. The creepy/gory/ thriller/horror/slashers from my past, are slowly lining themselves up in my Netflix queue. What’s waiting and pulsating in my queue? So glad you asked:

1.   Silent Night, Deadly Night 1984 (Remember the boycott that ensued because of Santa descending from the chimney with an axe? I do. Fabulous.)
2.   Trilogy of Terror 1975 (F’in Karen Black! Love her! And a creepy voodoo doll that comes with its own miniature spear.)
3.   Sleepaway Camp 1983 (A transgendered nightmare with a wicked corresponding curling iron scene? Hello? Of course!)
4.   Strangers on a Train 1951 (One of Hitchcock’s finest, with the late Robert Walker as the devilishly scary Bruno Anthony.)
5.   April Fool’s Day 1986 (Deborah Foreman from ‘Valley Girl’ fame (1983) starred in this twisted little tale which included the original survivor of Friday the 13th Pt. II. Yeah I can do this all day…The movie poster alone had me at hello.) April-Fools-day-movie-poster
6.   Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama 1988 (Scream Queen Linnea Quigley+ demon genie + a bowling alley=Yes please.)

7. Scream 1996 (Single handedly responsible for the resurgence of well crafted, original horror films. Bow your heads.)

8.    The Slumber Party Massacre 1982 (Um, someone gets stabbed with a rotary drill ON TOP OF A PIZZA. Hell yeah!
9.   Night of the Demons 1988 (Again Linnea Quigley, where she pushes a tube of lipstick through her nipple. It better be in the remake or someone’s getting slapped. In the teeth.)
10.   The Fall of the House of Usher 1960 (Where it all began.)

dawn_of_the_dead I know there are a lot of people who could live their whole lives without the darkness of horror movies in them. I know all about the scenes of brutality and gore that can provide nightmares that last for days. (Trust me, after the original ‘Candyman’; I was intolerant of both mirrors and bees for a looooong time.) But nightmares always fade. I take comfort in the knowledge that I am not the poor girl in ‘Hostel’ getting her eye scooped out while fully awake. C’mon, you may have to get up and go to work early, but at least you have both eyes. If you have the ability to objectify horror movies down to their core, you might find, just as I did, that they also have messages behind them. If you don’t believe me, watch George Romero’s ‘Dawn of the Dead’ (or Zack Snyder’s much more frenetic remake of the same name from 2004). Watch it in the daylight if you must, but be sure to take notice that the storyline unfolding in a mall was no accident. The frightened survivors converged based on a mutual need for safety. Since they escaped to a mall, they eventually became quite comfortable with their surroundings. Despite being surrounded on all sides by killer zombies, they were equipped with certain luxuries that nearly helped them forget the apocalyptic truth. The plot was nothing more than Romero’s commentary on consumerism. At first they stood on the roof holding a huge sign that read ‘ALIVE INSIDE’, but they were ignored by the government who they were told was coming to help. It was a zombie movie, but if all you saw were bloody zombies, you missed a lot.

Movies like ‘The Strangers’ & ‘Funny Games’ were both “based on actual events” and nothing hits home more than that famous caveat. In these flicks, people were trapped in their own domains and tormented by twisted teenagers. TEENAGERS. During ‘The Strangers’, in the midst of toying with their prey, the head teenaged girl in charge stops and puts down a knife to pick up the main character’s (Liv Tyler) engagement ring box. Watching from the closet, Liv Tyler breathes “I’m going to kill you” and then does…NOTHING. What?!?!? She had a small window of time to turn the situation around and she gave up. She should have bolted from the closet and beat that girl to a pulp. These punk bitches are going to kill you either way- so why not fight? Why not make it harder for the bastards to make your life so incidental? ‘The Strangers’ & ‘Funny Games’ act as P.S.A.’s- play by play guides of what not to do in related situations. Say what you will, but there were finite lessons to be learned. Fight. Fight for all you’re worth. If you’re gonna die, do it fighting, not hunched in a corner crying and cowering. Some people walked away from that movie thinking it was brutal and unnecessary; I walked away knowing that if some strange girl comes to my door asking ridiculous questions at 4am, I’m prepared to hit her with a shovel, a brick, a large dog- whatever’s closest. Seriously. I like living, and I will not be bullied by a gaggle of teenagers. EVER.

I merely ask that you too familiarize yourself with some of the movies in my queue; the scream queen legends and some of the better remakes. Horror/ slasher movies are just a form of entertainment. They’re not intended to change the world, but sometimes they do, and not always in a bad way. You get to experience some poor saps being chased in the woods, in their nightmares, or even in their own houses. Regardless, you get to walk away scot-free from bodily harm. You survived, just like you always do. Honestly, when isn’t survival the driving force in our complicated, albeit delicious brains? ~muahaha~

Top 5 Best Remakes:

Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Fast paced fright fest from the beginning to end. Romero’s original social commentary is gone, but why make the same point twice? You want zombies and blood and scares? This is your film. I’m not saying it’s better than the original(I don’t blaspheme), but it is definitely a thrill ride worth the viewing time.

Friday the 13th (2009)
Jason is leaner and meaner and he’s smarter. Avoid running aimlessly in the dark when you find one of your buddies dead…bear traps are not your friend.

Last House on the Left (2009)
The acting is MUCH better than the original and the pacing of the film was beautiful. Cringeworthy, unforgiving and totally satisfying.

Halloween: The Beginning (2007)
Rob Zombie pays homage to John Carpenter and Micheal Myers in this chilling version of one of the classics. The beat down scene in the woods is savage.

The Thing (1982)
Even after 25 years, John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’ still upholds it’s original status as being terrifying and the visual FX still jar you. And let’s not forget Kurt Russell playing one of the most badass characters on film ‘Mac’ Macready. I would even argue that this remake outdid the original by a mile.

Honorable Mention: The Blob (1988)
Not the best as in “the best ever”, but best in that kind of cheesy B-movie, this is the late 80′s and we have not completely perfected blue screen FX. Still, there’s a kitchen sink scene that was nicely done along with Kevin Dillon’s most memorable line, “Great, I just killed the strawberry jam..” and a very young and quite cute Shawnee Smith (Saw, Becker, The Grudge 3). Not a bad way to spend an evening.

Top 5 Worst Remakes:

Psycho (1998)
Why anyone would want to make a shot for shot remake of a Hitchcock classic is beyond me. What was even worse was Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche(WTF?!?) in the lead roles. Were Adam Sandler and Cameron Diaz busy? Yeah, they’d make about as much sense as who you picked Mr. Van Sant. Boo, Hiss.

When A Stranger Calls (2006)
The reason the original ‘When A Stranger Calls’ worked so well, is that when the terrifying reveal is made that the call is coming from inside the house, we hadn’t heard it before and Carol Kane was divine as the scared babysitter. Camilla Belle had some big shoes to fill and she just didn’t quite pull it off. ~Yawn~

The Omen (2006)
Yeah, ya know what? No.

Prom Night (2008)
Unfortunately this sucked. Nothing like the original and no Jamie Lee Curtis. Sorry Brittany Snow, Jamie you ain’t.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Believe it or not not even Jessica Biel running around dirty and in a wet tank top through the whole movie could save it. And I clearly remember seeing someone in a down parka in the middle of August in Texas. Dumb.

Dishonorable Mention: April Fool’s Day (2008)
Not so much a remake, but a take off of the 1986 film starring Deborah Foreman. It’s basically ‘I Know What You Did Last April Fool’s Day’. There, I just saved you two hours of your life.

SCREAM QUEENS

Linnea Quigley-The O.G. Scream Queen
Gorgeous “Scream Queen” Linnea Quigley has over 100 films to her credit, has recently been inducted into the “Horror Hall of Fame”, holds the record for the longest continuous scream on screen – (over 90 seconds) – is one of the world’s most popular Pin-Up Girls, has written several books, has her own statue, is a driving prescence in the PETA movement, and on top of all of that – she’s the guitarist and vocalist for all-girl band – THE SKIRTS!
Screamreel: Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons. Zombiegeddon, Sorority Babes in the Slimebowl Bowl-A-Rama, Creepozoids, Silent Night, Deadly Night

Jamie Lee Curtis-The Crossover Scream Queen
Initially known as a “Scream Queen” because of her starring roles in many horror films early in her career such as ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween II’, ‘Halloween:H2O’ and ‘Halloween:Resurrection’, ‘The Fog’, ‘Prom Night’ and ‘Terror Train’. Curtis has since compiled a body of work that covers many genres. Her 1998 book, ‘Today I Feel Silly, and Other Moods That Make My Day’, made the best-seller list in The New York Times. She is married to actor Christopher Guest (Lord Haden-Guest) and, as the wife of a lord, is titled Lady Haden-Guest, but she chooses not to use the title when in the United States.
Screamreel: The Fog, Prom Night, Halloween I & II and Halloween: H20, Terror Train

Jill Schoelen-The Underrated Scream Queen
A more unconventional husky-voiced “scream queen” heroine of the 1980s was Jill Schoelen, daughter of well-known fashion designer Dorothy Schoelen. Born and raised in Burbank, she studied at the Acting for Life Theatre in Burbank and started off on TV as a teen in the Fame-influenced TV pilot called ‘Best of Times’ (1981) (TV) starring the up-and-coming Nicolas Cage and Crispin Glover. She gained in experience with a number of innocuous films geared mostly toward the young, including ‘D.C. Cab’ (1983), ‘Thunder Alley’ (1985) and ‘Hot Moves’ (1984). The dark-eyed, black-haired pretty with the trademark bangs wouldn’t find her horror niche until hooking up with Wes Craven and his TV movie ‘Chiller’ (1985) (TV). From there she scored big with the cult shocker ‘The Stepfather’ (1987) wherein she played the resourceful stepdaughter terrorized by the lecherous, meek-appearing Terry O’Quinn as the title monster. The sleeper hit put Jill on the map with a seemingly solid future, continuing on with ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ (1989), this time keeping company opposite Freddy Krueger inhabiter Robert Englund as her deranged pursuer. She has since settled comfortably back and raised two children with husband/musician/composer Anthony Marinelli. Screamreel: The Stepfather, Cutting Class, Popcorn, The Phantom of the Opera, When A Stranger Calls Back

Shawnee Smith-The Baby of the Scream Queens
She kicked off her horror career in the 1988 remake of ‘The Blob’. As Meg Penny she held her own against the gelatinous nemesis and screamed her way into my heart. After doing some TV work she showed up in Wes Craven’s ‘Carnival of Souls’ where she dealt with evil clowns and a sister still trying to deal with the rape and murder of their mother. You will undoubtedly know her best from the ‘Saw’ franchise as Amanda, the devoted, ex-junkie sidekick to Jigsaw or as the air headed nurse on TV’s ‘Becker’. Last year she also hosted the reality show ‘Scream Queens’ where contestants battled it out in horror themed trials for a coveted role in ‘Saw VI’. This beautiful lady also sings, plays the guitar and drums. She once fronted the punk/metal band Fydolla Ho, with which she toured the United States and the UK, and is also the other half of Smith & Pyle, a desert country-rock band, with actress Missi Pyle. Screamreel: I Saw What You Did, The Blob, The Stand, Carnival of Souls, Saw-Saw VI, 30 Days of Night: Dust to Dust

Karen Black-The Unstoppable Scream Queen
God bless Karen Black. What a great face. Period. That she could also act and bring her wonderful quirky personality to a number of movies, was an added bonus. She starred in one of the most popular TV horror movies of all time, Trilogy of Terror. In it, she played three roles in an anthology. The most popular was Amelia, the third story. Any kid who grew up in the 70s and saw this one would never forget it. It was nightmare inducing…and Black gives a tour de force as a woman whose Zuni fetish doll comes to life and tries to kill her. Most actors and actresses would have killed to have the opportunity to work for Alfred Hitchcock and in 1976, Black was cast in Family Plot. It was a black comedy that was to be his final film. As roles grew increasingly scarce for Black, she gravitated towards more and more horror films, including 1977′s Burnt Offerings, in which she becomes possessed by a spirit in a house she and her family are vacationing in. Today, Black continues to act in as many as four to five pictures per year. And the world is a better place for it. (Courtesy of Terrortrap.com) Screamreel: Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies, Burnt Offerings, Cut and Run, Eternal Evil, Family Plot, It’s Alive: Island of the Alive, Killer Fish, Mirror, Mirror, Out of the Dark, The Pyx, The Strange Possession of Mrs. Oliver, Trilogy of Terror, House of 1000 Corpses