If you’re reading this zine on a semi regular basis, there is no doubt that you’re with us on this next topic. We and hopefully you, have had just about enough of this wedding/ bride/ groom as an accessory/reality wedding preparation/ way over done/ oh my God where do you get the money to piss away/ please kill me/ nightmare wedding show business. We understand the pressures and anxieties of successful wedding day arrangements, but is it us or has the whole thing gotten just a smidge out of control?

For as broke and bewildered as everyone seems to be these days, does it seem that there are more than enough TV shows and too many people (aka brides), who become hostages in the pursuit of the perfect wedding? You want to talk about priorities being out of whack; you can use these wedding planning, Bridezilla programming decisions as a way to kick off the conversation.

As hard as it may be to believe, not every girl spent her entire childhood dreaming up the perfect wedding. Apparently, Girl Scout troops are not available in every town and some of you did lose sleep over the day you’d be a real live princess. Ugh. If so, it’s not so much your fault as it is our societies, but it takes you to fuel the mockery of excessive wedding day provisions. If you think you may be guilty, please take notes and consider this your bonafide reality check about what a ridicobot (see our ‘By Definitions’ section for the exact meaning of the term) you have, or could potentially become. The undo stress that is placed on you and those around you is, to put it mildly, unwarranted, and becoming a selfish bitch (grooms included) to make “your day” happen is (say it nicely, say it nicely…) PATHETIC, so just stop it. Please stop it already.

Most of us have learned the extent of these shows, not because they’re funny (although hilarious), but because it is next to impossible not to watch people completely undo themselves in the name of love. It’s often a satin and lace covered train wreck that some of us can’t believe is actually happening. Chances are, most viewers just hope to run into one of these bridezillas at a mall and say, “whatever you do, do not reproduce!” It’s a pop-culture travesty that must be addressed and we are here to set the record straight.

It’s not just the TV and magazines, it’s the stores and the internet that have us all exposed to a world of excess and mayhem. The pressure of staging the perfect wedding is so prevalent, that some women can not help but to be swept up in the icing covered current. He wants to marry you; you want to marry him- great. By all means, go get married. Understandably, it’s no small feat to have two people decide to join themselves together, supposedly for all eternity. However, even the most joyous of occasions should be executed in moderation. Hopefully, you’re goal is to make life surprising and grand for the two of you, every week, for the rest of your lives. Do yourself and all the rest of us a favor by not attempting to blow your entire load of creativity and contrived spontaneity in a single day. There are so many other ways to spend the money and time it takes to pull off an over produced extravaganza that is centered around one day.

It started with one fun couple- one couple who obviously enjoyed dancing and a good laugh. One couple who worked together well enough to surprise their guests with a “first dance as a married couple” prank. Cute. So cute. It was funny, they did an awesome job and it was emailed the world over. Now EVERY COUPLE SINCE has strategically organized a “surprise” first dance off. Do what you want, but as far as surprising the rest of us, that ship has sailed. Do us all a favor and surprise us with something else. Surprise your guests with party favors that don’t suck, surprise them with invitations that read “open bar”, surprise people with lap dances by the wedding party- but please be original. Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’s by surprising people with non-surprises that have been done better by 1000 other unoriginal couples. If not, I say make that ridiculous surprise dance mandatory in ALL overdone, overpriced weddings. We can contact every major “you must have this wedding” store (the ones you can’t seem to avoid because by God you are a bride) and have them release statements that make contrived dance-offs as mandatory as the cake. Those wedding day blueprints will require the happy couple to perform choreography that includes the running man and the sprinkler. You have no choice but to prove that you and your significant other can work together as a team through dance. If you both suck at it and no one laughs, it will mean that your relationship sucks. You will be asked by a set of “first dance” judges to return to city hall and have the whole thing annulled immediately. We won’t care if you’ve chosen an ‘under the sea’ theme and you’re dressed as a footless, mermaid bride- you do that dance. You do it well and like it. That will be that.

Using your wedding as an excuse to suck others into your delusional, fantasy ceremony is totally uncool. If you can find people who are into it, awesome, but don’t have an attitude when people find it difficult to make YOUR wedding the center of their lives. It’s that simple. Since they continue to pollute the airspace with people who have nothing better to do with their time and money, use them as an example of what not do. Use them as a reason to keep things simple and to not over extend yourself to the point of becoming a raging douche bag. It’s annoying to watch and exhausting to experience. If your relationship is so wonderful, there is no need to prove it with matching gowns and over priced cutlery.

It can be difficult to arrange any event where there will be more than five people together in a room, but if you’ve set realistic goals, you can effectively engage the people involved in sharing your happiness. If they are all there for a loving, shared purpose, they should not be that hard to please. If managing large groups of people for major productions is your profession, then it makes a bit more sense as to why you might attempt it. Those people already have a sense of what reasonable expectations are and have hopefully developed a balance between uptight orchestration and having fun. Otherwise, what is the likelihood of ten to twenty plus people seamlessly executing your exact specifications, even on the most important day of your life? Also, any good event planner knows that organizing and time management are but half the stress. Developing a reasonable budget for a wedding with too many parts is the bowling ball in the juggling act that is looming overhead. If you’re expectations are out of whack, the lines between wants, needs and ‘must haves’ start blurring from day one. Here’s a tip: Don’t be a sucker. Studies show that women (including gay men) buy “packaging”. The wedding industry has no problem selling you 200 beveled place card holders at 6 dollars a piece. When doing so becomes the standard and the pressure to do so becomes a justified reason to treat your friends and family like shit, it’s time to reassess what the whole thing’s about. If attitudes are consistently flaring, think hard on what your array of irritating choices and behaviors may be saying about you and the circumstances.

If a wedding is your dream, it’s your responsibility to be nice and keep it stress free for all those involved. Do your best not to be a big phony that’s all prettied up on the outside, but selfish and petty as sin on the inside. If having a dreamy event requires doing whatever it takes and that includes walking over the people who agree to help, than your dream is ugly and there is no amount of gossamer that will hide it. Maybe if plain old happiness becomes the new standard, the TV execs who garner ratings from psycho brides will rethink their idea of entertainment, and then we can all get back to ignoring girls who make whiney ass drama a rite of passage.

Last 3 posts by Carita Ellis-Espola

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