Kain has a huge problem with David Blaine- the biggest. We never ignore and quite enjoy a good conspiracy theory, but Kain believes that David Blaine is sort of….well…in a word….the Devil. Not just your run of the mill anti-christ, there are loads of them. Kain believes that David Blaine is Satan, or at very least, a high ranking employee- not unlike a regional manager of Wal-Mart. For years, Kain has believed that David Blaine’s “magic tricks”, went beyond the call of a magician’s duty. The tricks themselves are unlike any tricks that other magicians are able to perform. Sure a magician can drop a garden snake in your backpack when you’re not looking, pull it out and amaze you- but it is a lot less likely that a magician would go to your school, drop a snake in your backpack (with the knowledge that you have an acute fear of snakes), wait until you’re walking home from school, stop you in the middle of a city sidewalk and have YOU pull the snake out yourself, thereby curing your fear of snakes. Kain never said it wasn’t possible, it’s just a lot less likely. David Blaine wants you to know that nothing is impossible, hence his Limited Edition Official “Anything is Possible” Bottle- $200.00. Given his suspicions about Mr. Blaine’s evil genius, here’s the advertisement that sent poor Kain over the edge:

Just because something seems impossible, doesn’t mean it is! In
Guinness Book of World record holder David Blaine’s world, impossible
things are made to happen every day and then they are no longer
impossible, but they’re just as amazing!

With this extremely limited, handmade, ‘Anything is Possible’
collectible bottle, the impossible becomes possible! This is not a
magic trick or an optical illusion. The very real, very solid deck of
signed Split Spades cards has been placed inside the bottle through
the neck by artisan and fellow magician Jamie D. Grant.

Only 44 pieces and 5 artist proofs are being made.

The bottle has not been cut or built around the deck. The neck has not
been removed and re-attached. It is just as you see it!

David wants you to enjoy this bottle not just as a conversation piece,
but to inspire you the next time you are given an impossible challenge
or an insurmountable task. There is real magic in all of us…Find yours!

A few people have asked why Kain believes the Devil would be or use a street magician. ‘Most of the “tricks” he does are not tricks anyway’ they’ll say. ‘They are bizarre endurance tests that barely make sense.’ Kain’s response? “EXACTLY!”, which he’ll shout in a spray of spit on your face. He’ll say, “What better way to gain the trust of a diverse population of people? People are begging to see something incredible that they can believe in.” After you wipe your face, you must admit he has a point. Our whole staff happened to be in New York during the ‘Drowned Alive’ stunt in Lincoln Center. We stood there with thousands of people who were mystified by a man floating in an 8 foot sphere of water. Though it looked rather simple, he was clearly blowing everyone’s mind. We watched as all walks of life- young, old, rich, very rich, poor, broke, as well as every race under the rainbow, stood shoulder to shoulder in amazement. The New York Times’ Kenneth Silverman wrote “his feat of endurance brought a diverse crowd of thousands of New Yorkers together, renewing for a while the city’s waning spirit of democratic community.” A privileged few were able to get their picture taken with him, but most of us- thousands of us, stood waving at him as he waved backed. Kain refused to even look him in the eye, much less wave at him. He did investigate the supposed “urine tube” that would be necessary for someone who was sealed in a bubble for a week. Kain suggested we help look for this mystery tube, which we must admit, we never actually saw. Kain’s response? “The devil doesn’t need to pee.”  It didn’t help at all that as we neared Lincoln Center, there was a man on the sidewalk talking and answering aloud to the air. He was in a conversation to “the voices” about the arch angel Michael, which according to the bible, was the first identity of Jesus. “Yes, yes I understand. I’m listening…” he said to the air several times. Kain was not happy.

Our society is in the midst of revolution. People are aching to rise up in one form or another. With so many issues breaking loose, people are overjoyed to find an intelligent, overtly calculating individual, especially when he or she has proven calm in the most difficult situations. We love a person who is able to effectively address the concerns of the people and give them something to hope for; someone who can prove that anything is possible. We want someone who would be worthy of  the profile on Jesus’ Facebook page… if he had one. If your ambition in life is to be offered world domination, the trick is to get noticed. David Blaine’s got no problem with that. For instance, who else would have considered squatting, for over a month, in a Plexiglas case over the River Thames in London? Kain can tell you who. He can also explain why later, he wasn’t at all surprised by the comment that George Bush made in London during a speech at the Whitehall Palace. He said, “The last noted American to visit London stayed in a glass box dangling over the Thames. A few might have been happy to provide similar arrangements for me.” Stupid George putting thoughts in people’s heads! If David Blaine wasn’t holding out for a bigger (smarter) fish, he could have thrown a blanket over the Plexiglas and switched places with him instantly.

So far, all the doubters, haters and other anti-Barackists (step-off, it’s officially trademarked), sound insane when they try and accuse Obama of malice or ignorance. Even those people know that they haven’t seen this good a performance in a long,long time. Needless to say, he totally earned that job. If he eventually becomes a dragon who eats world leaders, or his children become winged messengers of death and world domination, then those haters will be swimming in delicious, creamy pools of ‘I told you so’s’. Unfortunately for them, we have yet to see him levitate, much less fly. David Blaine has that “I can save you, I’m here to help” swagger too. In fact, one of his stunts resulted in him leading one hundred children on a shopping spree through Target- Pied Piper style. The kids were chosen by The Salvation Army, a place he said helped him as a child. “This challenge is close to my heart,” he said. The Salvation Army? Imagine for a moment that the leader of an army, a SALVATION army, can levitate, eat glass, reach through glass (without puncturing it), and snatch bloody teeth from people’s mouths (although he does politely put them back). For said leader, even breathing would be optional. Sometimes David Blaine decides he just doesn’t want to breath like common people. He’ll decide when he breaths. Coincidentally, he holds the world record for doing exactly that. Now that’s balls. Perhaps balls of oxygen, who knows? Arnold Schwarzanegger got control over California, surely Blaine’s abilities could get him an entire coast. It wouldn’t really matter which one.

Ok just knock it off. Kain is not crackers…not completely. Just try and suspend your disbelief for a few minutes. Seriously, what if someone of political importance asked Blaine to stop a missile, or double the size of an ice cap to save an adopted polar bear? What would you do if he just…did it? Some people would have found themselves a savior. Kain would simply shit himself a brick. He reminds us not to forget that a vampire can’t just sneak into your house and eat your family. He must first be invited. Obama’s just a man who could easily fall victim to greed and power like the rest of them, but a person who knows the secret of penetrating glass already knows how things will turn out. While the people of Christianity await Jesus’ return, David Blaine does have a Facebook Page. Oh yeah…and a tattoo of “Christ of St. John on the Cross” that covers his entire back. Kain is worried.

Kain’s core reasoning behind his theory is timing. We are living in a time where we have seen just about everything. Many religious leaders have been uncovered as weak minded frauds, some as low as pedophiles. Flesh and blood people voluntarily estimate their value based on money (stamped, government issue, pieces of paper). It is the offical mark of worth. Flesh and blood people are killing and dying for it. The list of the unthinkable goes on and on. If you were the Devil, now would be a good time to levitate three feet off the ground in order to show your ability. You could sooth people’s phobias by forcing face time with them, perhaps you’d manifest a snake in a boy’s backpack, take it out and tell the boy he’s free. Maybe you’d even walk up to a bum and use your hand to suck coffee from a cup while simultaneously replacing it with change. Now would be the time, because no one would believe it, least of all other magicians. No one would believe that the illusions might actually be real. After all the lies and manipulations of this planet, magic tricks would be the least of our concerns. We would never see him coming. Endurance tests? Strange, but still just “entertainment” right? David Blaine keeps calling it that, especially when he does a trick and people start running, or when they themselves stop breathing.

Whether or not you believe the story of Jesus, there had to be a point in the story being told. The story of an easygoing, kindhearted, magical guy. This guy became a celebrity because he claimed, and attempted to prove through “miracles” that he was sent to save the world. If you believe in such things, it would make sense to you that a superior being who had a hand in creating us, would offer the world hope beyond death. If you don’t buy into such stories, neither Jesus or David Blaine would concern you. For you, death is most likely an inescapable fact of life. For people like Kain, it’s not so simple. People like Houdini. Hope beyond death was his life’s ambition. For these guys, there has to be more. In the meantime, there’s the struggle. The ultimate battles for good and evil. Democrats and republicans, humans and zombies, veggies and carbs, Satan and God. Kain’s theory? If God exists, then Satan exists. If these are in fact the tumultous days of eminent destruction by either the hands of man, or the hands of nature, both camps- good and evil, are campaigning like never before. If the devil exists, he too would need a representative to walk among the voters…his own personal Jesus. We’re supposed to be on watch for an anti-christ, but the bible itself says that there would be many. Jesus wasn’t the first human to claim that he represented God on behalf of the whole world, he was simply the best at it. There was Muhammad, there was Buddha (several Buddha’s in fact), but according to the stories, nobody knocked the socks off the masses like Jesus. Up until now, the devil’s reps have been hired and fired so quickly; swallowed up by greed, drunk on power, dying without the respect of the majority because of their mistakes. Of course, death is not the issue. It’s a numbers game. Hitler’s failure was the dramatic decrease in followers after his death. If you were the Devil, now would be a good time to show the world a worthy representative. A legitimate leader doesn’t force votes like a thug, instead he/she must effectively contend with free will. If you had real “power” and your purpose was to gain trust, you couldn’t just start deleting national monuments David Copperfield style in order to prove it. You’d have to walk the streets and mingle with the people. You’d have to develop your style and make mistakes out in the open. You’d have to bring a modern day Jesus to life, right before their eyes.

Kain has played with the theory for years, but he would never rely on his own understanding. You must test a theory, no matter how ridiculous. Kain’s no magician, so his solution was to interview some professional magicians- people involved in Blaine’s home school of thought, to find out what they think of him. Kain’s best and scariest encounter was with Keith from Hershey Magic in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Keith comes from a family of magician’s and makes his living selling magic supplies. He entertains, but he also teaches magic. Keith assured Kain that with practice, he too could become an expert magician. Magic as we know it is a skill after all. When Keith explained to Kain that purchasing and learning a magic trick was simply “buying a secret”,  he was sold on Keith’s perspective and couldn’t wait to hear his thoughts. As Kain looked around admiring the shop, there were many pictures of Keith’s fellow, working magicians. His crown jewel, perched high above an entryway, was an old black & white photo of a levitating woman. She was waist high to Keith’s grandfather as he passed a hoola-hoop over her body. There was no evidence of David Blaine anywhere in sight. “You see these people on my walls? They’re magicians. You don’t see any of David Blaine do you? What he does isn’t even magic, what he does is more like a lie.” Of course every illusion is deception he explained, but he also said that there’s an understanding between you and the magician. “When you watch a magician, there’s an agreement that he will try and deceive you. What he [David Blaine] does is not and illusion, the things he claims to do can not be done. The people involved in his tricks are in on it, he uses camera tricks and that’s lying. That’s not magic.” Keith spent an hour explaining how Blaine’s tricks were impossible. Keith can levitate too, it is something you can learn, but he’s never seen anyone levitate as high as Blaine. “It’s a camera trick. They cut away and come back to him.” Kain rememberd the “Street Magic” special and the face of the boy who passed by during one of Blaine’s levitations. If the boy was acting and his panic was fake, that boy was as good an actor as Blaine is a magician. If  that kid was faking, he needs an agent.

Kain left Keith’s magic shop worse off than he had ever been. There was but one statement banging around in his head as he drove away, “what he does can not be done.” Keith’s theory was the same as most people’s, only Keith was far more certain because of his background. It’s the same theory that the Devil himself would circulate as he prepared to take office- the devil does not exist, what he does can not be done. The boy who witnessed the levitation wasn’t acting. Nor was the little boy with the backpack, or the bum, or the people in that third world country who’ve seen their share of  voodoo practices and wanted nothing to do with Blaine’s magic.Whatever Blaine is doing, he’s doing it well. He’s doing it so well, that a very smart guy is questioning whether or not he was made or sent.

We don’t believe in anything and anything we do believe can be explained away in an instant. Global warming, politics, celebrity, magic tricks. All the valid phenomena are followed by valid explanation, leaving no need for mystery, or imagination. There are few left who concern themselves with the possibility of energy, miracles, real magic, true evil, etc. It’s probably best to leave it all alone. It’s too scary to think of what proving it might mean. The things that you can see are scary enough without adding in the unseen. That being the case, Kain sees no reason why he shouldn’t believe in the true powers of David Blaine, but does he really believe that he is crossing a line between our world and the “other” one? Has the ultimate battle between good and evil really begun? If unseen forces do exist, why shouldn’t they promote themselves with a TV special? Everyone else does. If creation is true and the stories are acurate (some of which are as unbelievable as David Blaine’s magic and yet it exists) manipulation through magic has little to do with money. In the beginning, there was no money. If the stories are true, Satan’s original challenge was for personal glory and ultimate power. If he’s now running out of time, or still thinks he can win the ultimate battle, it’s going to take a little showmanship if he wants any fans, or followers.We’ve become a hard species to please and holy shit are we ever bored. George Bush? American Idol? Fox News? Next Top Model? CNN? Wife Swap? Flavor f-ing Flave?!?! Is the Devil’s own programming really that big of a leap?

Believe what you want, but here’s what happened when Carmen Urban discovered the ‘Anything is Possible Bottle’ and threatened Kain with the “perfect” gift over email:

From: Carmen U.
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 2:23 PM
To: English, Kain
Subject: ahem…

i was thinking of getting you this for your xmas. i think you could
probably figure out the meaning to life and time travel with it.

Here’s is Kain’s reply…..

From: English, Kain
Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 2:47 PM
To: Carmen U.
Subject: Re: ahem…

That is a lovely sentiment and I love you so much as you are truly sweet, but if you think I’m going to house something that the Son of Sam has actually blinked into being personally, then you’re not only pretty, but you’re fucking medulla oblongata is made of pickle shavings.

If you think for a second that the “Anything Is Possible Bottle” is anything more than a GD satellite for evil than you’re a flippin’ fruitcake. I sit that thing on my GD bookshelf and wake up to find David Blane at my kitchen table eating my generic cheerios while wearing the pajamas I fell asleep in. You’re GD right anything’s possible with that bottle. ANYTHING.

44 pieces? Why 44? You don’t find that the weirdest f-ing number ever? Revelation mentions 144,000, as does the Talmud doesn’t it? Who knows why the fuck he needs 44?!?! I don’t have time to get drafted into Satan’s army; I’m just a bloke trying to get Cyndi Lauper tickets. So thank you but heeeeeellz no. Hell to the no. I’m not feeling it.

~ David wants you to enjoy this bottle not just as a conversation piece,
but to inspire you the next time you are given an impossible challenge
or an insurmountable task ~……I’ll just bet he does. The impossible challenge will come from him.
DB: “Wake up fucker. Go kill Ms. Jones your next door neighbor”
Me: Um….I don’t think I can do that.
DB: “Yes you can- you can do anything sweet child-o-mine.”
Me: I can’t do that.
DB: “Reach in your magic bottle and pull out those cards. I’ll stop time long enough for you to destroy everyone you don’t like and when you get back you’ll have a free home make-over. Look I already got you a dishwasher.”
Me: I still don’t think I want to.
DB: “How about you do it or I kill you?”
Me: ME?! Well okay, but only the people I don’t like right?
DB: “Right!”
Me: You promise?
DB: “Pfft. Of course! Pfft.

…….I was born at night but not last night. F THAT! Thanks anyway though, that was really thoughtful.

Here’s some other statements and press comments for a street magician? Judge for yourself whether or not you believe that David Blaine is just an entertainer:

-Blaine emerged from his underground coffin and told the crowd “I saw something very prophetic … a vision of every race, every religion, every age group banding together, and that made all this worthwhile.”

-Blaine emerged on schedule on October 19 murmuring “I love you all!”

-“an everyday hero for an everyday age,”? by the Boston Globe.

-An estimated 75,000 people visited the site, including Marie Blood, Harry Houdini’s niece, who said, “My uncle did some amazing things, but he could not have done this.”

-Reiterating Marie Blood’s remarks, BBC News stated, “The 26-year-old magician has outdone his hero, Harry Houdini, who had planned a similar feat but died in 1926 before he could perform it.” During the preparation of the stunt, Jonathan Demme told Time Out New York “He’s the most exciting thing in America…And I’m not just talking entertainment.”

Are you sure??????

*As told to Christie & Carita by Kain over a lovely dinner and a couple of bottles of wine.

Last 3 posts by Kain English

• Quotes from the Hood - July 14th, 2009
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