Presenting…Biggums McWeighalot

9 February 2009 Carita Ellis-Espola

Lately we’ve been accused of being very angry. I swear we’re not angry all the time. Comedian Kat Williams once mentioned those people who seem to wake up “mad at their breakfast”. Though at times it may seem so, we’ve got no problem with our cereal or life in general. That’s not us at all. It’s stuff like this next topic that gets us going. It’s our job to pick up where mainstream media quite literally ‘leaves off’ and in our opinion- they are doing it again. When they pick on some celebs for stupid reasons, while leaving others unattended due to outdated social mores, it makes us want to punch a hole in something. Fame and glory? Completely unnecessary. Justice? Now that’s another matter. Exhibit A: K-Fed.

If you’re in your right mind, you’re not mad at him. If you’re anything like us, you don’t consider him period. Then suddenly, out of our complete disinterest, emerge brand new pictures of his big wide ass. We don’t mean “holy crap he’s fat!” pictures, we mean “here’s K-Fed being awesome with a new girl!” pictures. Our point? Where’s HIS big ass coverage? If you’ve ever read this zine in the past, you’re slightly aware of our feelings on Britney Spears. She represents everything that is wrong with the music industry and just about anything that is allowed to be labeled art. (Not that anyone has every attempted to label her work art.) The issue here today, is how ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has managed to mention how swelled and pork filled Kevin Federline has become. It is completely unfair considering the fact that each and every time Britney lops on an extra five pounds, its front page news.

Even after TWO, not one but TWO friggin babies, this girl manages to diet herself into oblivion, acquiring a body even smaller than the fifteen year old physique that kept hitting us baby (bashing us really) one more time. It’s bad enough that Kevin Federline, of all people, became a celebrity super dad just for pressing the right buttons on yet his 2nd vagina ATM (the first being Shar Jackson). He reaps the benefits of stardom for doing nothing except spreading seed and misery. Yeah, these things happen- we know; but adding insult to injury, the media has said nothing at all about this man ballooning up like a blowfish and he is still being photographed loving life with no backlash whatsoever! Why is it okay for him?! If she’s a rich mother of two, is it fair to criticize her weight? If he’s a kept man and there’s going to be an attack on someone being fat and lazy – shouldn’t the focus be him? Its 2009 where every imaginable role has been reversed…how is any of this still ok?

This is not so much about the Federlines as it is about fairness and obsessing over weight. Do men not have to undergo this type of bodily scrutiny and worldwide embarrassment? Its 2009- where’s the equality? Even if it’s true that no matter what, women will always be expected to look good, while men are consistently expected to make good, how is it that this biscuit eating bastard has escaped the clutches of the paparazzi for anything but awesomeness? He hasn’t made good on anything. He’s made out- like a bandit. No backlash, no “explain yourself” interviews, no bad lighting whatsoever. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, poor little pop tart is elipticising herself to death. Have you seen her lately? She’s a fetus. What about him? I want to see a Times Square size cut out of this backup dancing, baby maker’s brand new chunks. How about ones the size of the new pictures they have continually flashed on every major news network about Jessica Simpson. Apparently she’s gained all of fifteen pounds and God forbid she continues on in the public eye like that. One minute Fox wants to discuss a “healthy weight”. Then out of nowhere, a pop star inadvertently eats the food she’s been buying for everyone else since her first record deal and they plaster “Oh my God what happened?” pictures for the world to see. Neither Jessica nor Britney gained enough weight to put either of them at risk for any major diseases. All the horror was based on appearance and THAT is a potato sac full of hot melting bullshit. If the media can offer someone like K-Fed magazine covers and opportunities of a lifetime for doing jackshit, shouldn’t someone be making it a point to bring about some justice? I’m just saying. Why not him?

The point is….well maybe there is no point, accept that these double standards are still alive and well. It seems as though people were not nearly as mad at Britney for going nuts as they were for her putting on weight. They seemed to understand the rest of her misery in a twisted, ‘Being John Malkovich’ sort of way, but her weight gain was downright intolerable. Contrary to publicized opinion, the awards show that cinched her fall from grace (as if grace was ever the case) had everything to do with her pitiful performance and nothing to do with her sparkly bikini. There was nothing fat about her, she was simply no longer skinny, but OMG did they go on about her weight. Not every family can produce inbred Hilton-pops; some people are genetically designed to have a healthy layer of substance between the skin and bone.

This year, let’s speak in real terms about body image. The word “diet” comes from the word “dieta”. The word dieta translates to “way of life”. Let’s start a trend that involves a healthy way of life in a healthy body rather than a thin one. Let’s research the fact that the BMI or Body Mass Index was used by the Nazi regime. They were counting pounds like cargo! Not healthy bodies either. If you’ve ever thought that the BMI average was unrealistic for your height, chances are you hit the nail on the head. Not only should you consider genetics when you consider your weight, you have to consider the fact that the U.S. is not the third world. It’s not just unrealistic to think that the average should be thin- it’s batshit insane. We have plenty of food here.

By no means are we implying that the standard should be obese and out of breath, but it’s ludicrous to ask someone to accept themselves and then go on a liquid diet in the same magazine. In this country, the UK and a few other well fed establishments- it seems to be the standard to do so and it’s the women who are always trapped in the hypocritical non-fat vortex of bullshit. Even the wise and mystical O; the great Oprah, has once again fallen victim to the pressure. At this point, I would really like to see pictures of her family. I doubt there were a house full of size 4’s walking around. After all these slim fast, roller coaster rides we’ve seen her take, could it be that she’s most likely chasing a rainbow? Maybe it was just not meant to be. Would that be so terrible?

If we’re just flapping our gums once again and this realistic body image rant continues to fall on deaf ears, the paps need to get their asses over to Playa del Cheese Steak, or Capri, or whatever beach Britney’s money takes him to, and get a few shots of K-Fed’s man handles. This unbalanced attack of women’s bodies… even Britney’s… is biased, unwarranted and unfair. We were built for child bearing and are padded accordingly. Why the hell should K-Fool’s fat go unnoticed, while the real fake media star wrestles her snacks to the ground for acceptance.