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We went about this whole Oscar® dramz in a totally different way…First of all we said to hell with categories and simply came up with a numbered value system that we could relegate to whilst deciding the fate of some of 2007′s stellar and downright absurd cinema offerings. We also won’t be having an awards ceremony, except for the one where we all get drunk and tell each other how pretty and smart we are. There also will not be a red carpet, people with really bad orange tans, or yawn inducing acceptance speeches. Instead we offer you a brief summary of the movie and the number key to decipher our ramblings. Shut up, that’s more than anyone got for watching Shoot ‘Em Up.

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The Number Key:

1.don’t bother; 2. eh. 3. go to the video store now, don’t even bother getting dressed! 4. watch it on mute- the dialogue blows but the chicks are hot. 5. maybe if you’re high 6. F-ing cool if you’re seven. 7. Warning: sucks so bad you may kick your TV. 8. WTF? 9. Cinematic orgasm 10. ZZZZZZZ 11. Apparently 80 million dollars isn’t hard to come by. 12. You’ll want to rub butter on it and eat it. 13. Fosters the urge to wanna pop a cap in someone’s @ss. 14. could bother your brain

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Katie Coram’s Picks:

“28 Weeks Later”

12(if you wouldn’t get infected)

Great movie. Almost made me piss myself in fear no less than 3 times.

“American Gangster”
(definitely) 13.

I never wanted more than to be a rapper so I, too, could have been one of Denzel Washington’s brothers in that movie.

“Evan Almighty”
5/6 (they’re interchangable, really).

Pretty lame. Except for the flood scene, thats kind of brutal. Oh and there’s a scene where all these birds fly in and interrupt Congress. Amazing.

“Reno 911: Miami”
11. Ha. this response was made for this movie.

The funniest part is when Terry said his jumbojet was a present from his dad for Flag Day.

“Sicko”
9.

A+ Great Film. While Michael Moore isn’t really my type, I do get wet for anti-establishment propaganda.

“Superbad”
3.

Seriously, greatest movie of 2007, hands down. Maybe one of the funniest movies I’ve seen ever. I could (and have)watched it at least 100 times.

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Carita Ellis-Espola’s Picks:

1408
12.

You don’t think it’s possible to be to freaked out anymore, especially if you’re a horror movie buff….then you find that Stephen King still persists to try & pull the devil right out of his ass, all while telling a tripped out story. Nice.

300
3.

There were so many airbrushed abs, that it would have been easy to miss a damn good story line, but the story line was solid. Though based on historical facts, it was waaay too awe inspiring to be entirely true and it did unfairly disparage the entire Persian race. Hollywood had its way with this one, but HOLLYWOOD IS SPARTAAAAA!!!

Blades of Glory
5 & 11.

If you hate Will Ferrell and or the Napoleon Dynamite guy, you’re going to hate this regardless. If you enjoy their goofy kind of comedy (and I do), smoke up and laugh til it hurts. Ridiculous!

Bug
3 & 13.

If you’ve ever felt as though you need a straight jacket because your significant other is clinically insane, watch this today. You’re not the only one who’s ever been brainwashed by a walking fruit basket. This proves it.

DOA
4 & 13.

Swords, girls, movie karate sequences and a bad @ss ending. Table for two please!

The Ex
2.

This laid back kid with a New York accent swallows a cheeseburger whole. I don’t think it was a camera trick.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
3.

A gay movie for straight people was genius. If you’re a semi-homophobe who hasn’t already seen ‘Broke Back Mountain’, but are dying to check it out since dear, sweet Heath Ledger’s untimely passing, start with this first. As with any closet gay full blown homophobe, full blown homophobes need not apply.

I Know Who Killed Me

1, 7 & 8.

A two hour Linsday Lohan video, complete with pole dancing, curse words and an ankle monitor. After the mystery twin and a member of the blue man group shows up, you’ll soon realize that there’s no way to get this two hours of your life back. Don’t blame me. I totally warned you.

The Number 23

8.

It’s often hard to accept Jim Carrey when he’s trying to be serious, but this one worked because of the psychotic subject matter. I dig most any movie about completely bizarre circumstances that really exist. The-3 letters… Bizarre-7 letters…Circumstances- 13 letters. 23 letters. Freaky.

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Christie Ortiz’s Picks:

Blood & Chocolate
12,14
I’m a big fan of horror movies and even more so of werewolf movies and the word lycanthrope in general, so when this came out I was all set. I was completely surprised by this little gem tho as it is not so much a horror movie, but more of a coming of age, love story that just happens to be about werewolves. HA! Romeo & Juliet as werewolves, now that’s just a recipe for cinematic goodness!

Shoot ‘Em Up
1,5,7,8,11
Wow…and I don’t mean wow as in “WOW!” I mean wow as in…wow, I can’t believe there was actually a script for this movie and they actually got bona fide actors/actresses to star in it.
Look..I’m all for ridiculous movies, but they asked me to suspend my disbelief thru out the entire movie. All I know is there was a whole shootout scene whilst Clive Owen ran with a fake baby(and you could tell it was a doll, trust me) and at some point a lactating hooker. It may have sounded like a good idea, but it really wasn’t. Wow.

The Mist
3,12,14
Ok…this is my ALL TIME FAVORITE Stephen King novella. I remember reading when I was in the 8th grade in the Skeleton Crew anthology and being terrified of something like that actually happening, so I was a little skeptical about a movie being made, because they usually destroy his stories when adapting them for the screen (Lawnmower Man ring a bell?). I was blown away, especially by the horrific ending. The only thing I take issue with is the tentacled monster they had to fight in the loading dock. Boooooo…hiss….boooo. It was way too cheesy and not up to par with the other terrifying creatures that The Mist issued forth. Great work on the depiction of the fanatics in the store and how easily humans become savages when it all goes horribly wrong.

Grindhouse
3, 9, 12
I wanna make out & whisper naughty things to this movie, that’s how much i love it. For those of you who missed out on this cinematic thrill & gorefest at the theaters, you should just stop & hit yourself in the head with a tack hammer for being an asshat. This was Tarentino & Rodriguez at their BEST. They had such a good time making this film & I had the best time watching it. It runs about 3 hours(sadly without the fake trailers save for “Machete”) so grab yourself some beer & some nachos & have a grindhouse marathon!!

Norbit
1,2,7,8,11
This was so beyond horrible that if i would’ve paid money for this i would have stormed out into the theatre lobby & used the clerk who sold me the ticket as a pogo stick(much like i’m sure those 8 people who saw that Jessica Simpson debacle Blonde Ambition must have wanted to do). The stereotypes in this movie made me cringe and the acting was absolute crap. Hey Eddie…just because it was funny once, doesn’t mean it will be funny all the time.
Ask Dane Cook.

3:10 To Yuma
13
Not your usual shoot em up cowboy movie, but it definitely had its moments. i had lost any interest in Russell Crowe as an actor, but he completely surprised me in this and turned in a rock solid performance. Christian Bale was also good, but my wife kept wanting to know why he was such a pussy for most of the film. Which was cool until she started talking to the screen & telling christian to grow a set.

Black Snake Moan
12, 14
They released this gem a little later than originally planned due to Mr. Jackson’s other snake titled film Snakes on a Plane as not to confuse movie goers. You wouldn’t want your target audience walking into a movie they thought was going to be a bunch of snakes on a plane killing people, only to see a very thin Christina Ricci writhing around in chains on Samuel L. Jackson’s living room floor in a sweat tinged Memphis shack. A beautiful story of redemption, friendship, sex, blues & love with a soundtrack that will set you adrift wherever you keep your white girls chained up. Do not forgo this movie because of the strange marketing concept which turned people off of the film. It is worth the 2 hr. running time.

Sunshine
8,14
This movie snuck in under the radar when no one was watching and it’s ashame as it is quite visually appealing as well as it is thought out and engaging. To give you a summary of Sunshine, it’s basically set 50 years into the future and the Sun begins to die, and Earth is dying as a result. A team of astronauts are sent to revive the Sun – but the mission fails. Seven years later, a new team are sent to finish the mission as they are Earth’s last hope. Pretty simple right? Not quite. There is Searle, the ship’s psychologist who is pretty much becoming addicted to the sun which the crew can sit and view thru a UV shield that they can also control how much protection it gives off and as the movie progresses his face becomes worse for the wear because of it. All of the characters are very intriguing in their own sense and the film is shot beautifully inside the ship and outside in the dark void of space. Moves a little slow in some spots, but you will not feel like you want those two hours of your life back.

No Country for Old Men
8,9,12,13,14
I’m not going blow the Cohen Brothers like every other reviewer has, but I will say it’s a damn fine film and quite a f’ing visceral rush all the way up, until…the very end. They could have ended after the car crash that Javier Bardem’s character Anton Chigurh got in and that would’ve been sweet, but they didn’t. All in all though, I winced and jumped and sucked air thru my teeth quite a few times because the Cohen Brothers are cinematic wonders when it comes to setting a scene and the palpitations in my chest during any scene that Javier Bardem is in was almost excruciating. He simply was Anton Chigurh down to his bones. The man was simply one of the most terrifying things I have seen in a very long time and his mere presence in any scene without saying a word was worth every moment of the film.