Wholesale Chianti!

How much do I love the wholesale shopping experience? I jump at the chance to go to BJ’s Wholesale Club as it has become a family pastime. A memorable, enjoyable experience where you can you walk away with a swing set, a Yard-O-Beef, a flat screen TV, Proactive Solution, enough shampoo to wash every head in the Capital District and a 52oz bag of peanut M&M’s. And why not throw that NY Times current Bestseller on top of the whole damn truckload of treasures? Oh my God, is that a Calvin Klein velour jumpsuit for only $19.99?! Oh, and don’t forget to stop at the vendor cart and grab that foot long Nathan’s hot dog, or maybe that Pizza Hut personal pan pizza! Make mine a Supreme, please! Or maybe I’m already too full from eating my three course meal courtesy of all the sample displays. I’ll wash it down with a bottle of Chianti from the Wholesale liquor store on the way out! I don’t even care that my son is already playing with his new, obnoxiously loud and noisy toy in the backseat the entire drive home, because I’m too busy being excited about wanting to wear my new pair of Guess skinny jeans. Hooray for wholesale!

20 Pound Pork Roast!

Every time you buy something, it’s so large you can’t possibly fit it all in your freezer. Luckily we have a second chest freezer to hold the massive amounts of dead animal we stock up on. You never know when you might need a 20 pound pork roast! Honestly though, what American family needs to consume that many mozzarella sticks? You feel obligated to make the mozzarella sticks or whatever your frozen fattening food of choice might be, your entree every night for the next month. Then you’ve completely become sick of eating them. It becomes an exciting accomplishment when you’ve eaten enough to throw away the box and just put the bag in the freezer, less the cooking directions. You don’t need the directions anymore after all, because you’ve made the damn things so many times already that you know them by heart. And then there are the lonely four mozzarella sticks that get pushed to the back only to be discovered a year later. Do you throw them out? Do you keep them just in case as a reminder that when you go back you know you shouldn’t purchase them again because you will always still have some left at home? The thing that kills me the most about these places is that you pay a membership to shop there. It’s a privilege of sorts, like a secret society of people whose eyes are way bigger than their stomachs. You’ve heard of never going grocery shopping on an empty stomach. Let me give you a tip: Never go to a wholesale club without eating first, showering first and taking a long, lingering glance at your already huge DVD collection. And triple-A batteries are one thing, but what the hell do you own massive quantities of where you would need a package of 50 C or D-cell’s? Do you really use the flashlight THAT often?

Rotating Tires AND Movado Watches

Initially, I’m going to the wholesale club to save money, but when I leave I get the urge to consolidate my credit cards and wonder if I could survive an entire month without lights or hot water, because while I’m inspecting my receipt I’m getting the sneaking suspicion I might have to.

Wholesale clubs are great for business owners and large families similar to those of polygamists. But does a household of four really sleep better at night knowing they can wipe their asses for 4 months without ever having to worry about running out of toilet paper? Will I be more at peace knowing I can spill whatever I want on the floor for what seems like a year because dammit, I will NOT run out of paper towels!? In the end, does the notion of all my wholesale purchases make me waste more than I would if I had bought less?

Hey Mom! Grab Some Bungee Cord!

I suppose it’s something to think about, but I’m not going to stop shopping there. After all, where else can you get your tires changed while deciding whether or not to buy the Movado watch or the gold Byzantine bracelet? Where else can you spend your entire paycheck on shit you don’t need but still somehow feel like you’ve made out like a bandit? Where else can you feed your face and work it off afterwards by making the 100 trips it takes from your car to your front door to unload all your new purchases because after all, they don’t supply you with shopping bags? Who needs bags when you’ve got pallets?We wholesale shoppers laugh at bags! I keep boxes in the back of my car for a reason! I load my purchases into my trunk like I’m piecing together a puzzle because if I don’t I’m in trouble. There’s no way I’m strapping my new down comforter to the roof even though the Bowflex is taking up whatever available space I have left. “Well Mom, here’s some bungee chord! Hold on tight and I’ll try not to hit any potholes. You should be fine, it’s a nice day out. Just uh…pretend you’re parasailing.”